Its that feeling you get when you know you have done something wrong and its too late to fix. You feel awful but know its for the best as you don't want the other one to get hurt, its when you talk to me and the question goes though my head, what did i like about you and you realise you are so stupid and childish. so yes its that feeling in your stomach that makes you sick and wonder...what if that didn't happen where would you be?

nicola...

Let me free

its you, its you who makes me feel like this. its times like this i wish i had other family in the same town or city i could run away and hide...

Can you just open your eyes...

I'm always that one u blame, i do everything for you but yet you are not even talking to me. what the hell did i do wrong that you look at me like that. I clean, i love, i care, i go to school. i cant do everything, i was not born with those powers. i have a social life too, maybe that's what you need. can you just give me chance. one week I'm perfect the next I'm the enemy. Just open your eyes and see that i am here and love you but really give me time to breathe.

Nicola...

Its not that hard...

i love this quote...."The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn." so i think its clear to you that the one you should cross is obviously the better life decision but what i don't understand is why are you crossing the one with the flames??

Nicola...

Thinking of you?

Do you ever think what I'm thinking of?

I miss every single time i spent with you. I miss birthdays every year, i miss many special times because theres just too much water between us. I miss the first steps, i miss the school concerts, i miss the family gatherings, i miss our neighbours dressing up as Santa and scaring you. I wish we could all be together like it was. As much as i love it here, i mean i don't think i would ever move back but i know you would love it here and it could be a great new start to a new adventure. Just book your tickets. We are now only four, every night, just the four of us. sometimes its nice, but most the time i miss the surprising visits now they are all planned months before the time. I want to go shopping with you, i want to show you my school grades, i want you to meet my friends, i want you to see how I'm older now and you can have serious conversations with. I'm wondering do you miss me? do you think of all this? can we talk??

Nicola...

Its like this,
you back stab me in the back (ouch)and tell me I'm worth nothing,
ill tell you the same,
and then you still expect me to greet you,
ha you much be crazy!
i have moved on and if you cant learn from your mistakes
then how can you expect me to let you back in my life
if you could easily just do it again.
i mean really,
your the one who taught me this
so maybe you should listen to your advice sometime...

Nicola...

The name i will never here no more....

"Horns"....every time i saw you, i thought you were being stupid and were mad. you use to mess my hair up and look for my horns. as if i would have horns, I'm a good girl....now i know why? you knew the future..haha...but know that your no longer around i miss your silly names and comments. it was part of My life and from your stupid acts they are now no longer said. we all thought you would have a overdose or get in a car accident, sorry to say but you had a heart attact, and your son was with you. that hard for everyone. i mean you are so stupid...bad role model and when we got phone calls saying your in jail again we wernt surprised but really you should of change. we all thought you did as you were getting a job, being busy and actually staying out of trouble. i miss you...i say these words out of anger, my cousins now have no father and bad habit's from you. i wish this didn't happen. the one could be a famous model and the other could be a great sailor. i mean as a little girl i loved it when they came over to my house playing Lego and doing back flips into the pool...doing stupid boy things with dads tools and being boys. now doing drugs, new girlfriends ever month and putting their own real tattoos on. how dangerous. i miss the old days, i miss the words horns...i want my family too be normal but i guess no-one can get that wish...i love you xxx

Nicola...

The wish i will never get...

The little things that you don't realise when you leave a place. i left my hometown with my family and thought it was the best thing, and didn't realise that you are always in my mind and it drives me crazy. i never spent a lot of time with you as you thought i was a little kid, which i was but now that i am older i have realised you could of been my big sister....

when i went over, you should me how to have fun and take chances. you taught me that being a kid is only temporary and theres more fun out there, yes school is tough but those are lessons in life i will need. but that night you look me out and told lies for my secrets made me value you so much more. i realised i have a big sister no matter how far you are, no matter how close just that you are there, all i wish for you to do is to get your head straight and come here so i can learn more, I'm the big sister in this family and want you to help me i cant do it all. i wish i never left in a way, as I'm older, you and others have fun around me... i just wish i had more time with you...theres so much i wanna tell you. my problems, achievements and goals. i want to help you but there is only so much i can do do get you here....the rest is up to you....and just remember as
you say NEVER LET ANYONE OR ANYTHING RULE YOU, U ARE ALWAYS YOUR OWN PERSON :) now all you have to do is listen...i love you....and ill always think of you...

Nicola...